death of a laptop

There’s something very sad about this old laptop on its death bed. Pretty frustrating really – in fact I have just wasted gallons of ink, 2 pieces of high quality photo paper and have come very close to hurling it down the loft stairs…

But when I think of the hours I have sat with it in front of me; usually on some waste of a time quest, or Facebook – is that not a waste of time too, I ask myself. Sometimes struggling with an online  writing course, sometimes just looking through photos, and then trying to write some more, write something, write anything, beating myself up for having all the time in the world now and not a word written….. then looking up writing competitions that I never seem to enter…and there’s a file on this machine somewhere labelled ‘possibly useful opening sentences’ and at least three unfinished novels, some childrens stories, some poems – wierd and not always wonderful, a journal of sorts – and when I think of all the hours of feeling I was actually doing something, convincing myself I was doing something constructive, then I am sad for it finally giving up the ghost.

You know, most of the time on it, I write long rambling emails to people who haven’t the time to read them, or look up knitting patterns, and of course I read other people’s blogs – how come they are more interesting than mine – aren’t they just ordinary folk too?

Actually I like being ordinary and non adventurous.

At my age being adventurous means walking up a small hill to see the view and having a second glass of wine with my dinner. Anything more smacks of a crisis and that I don’t need at all. When I was young a crisis was something to be got through; to deal with – par for the course sort of thing…they came, were sorted, and went. Now a crisis means fear, trepidation and life never being the same again – and I like things being the same – the same scenery around the cottage, the same lovely views from down the garden, the same walk with the dog in the evening sun. Oh yes give me the same any day, same friends, same loved ones…

I know everything changes – and nothing stays the same –  and all can be so different in the blink of an eye – but for a bit longer I’ll have it just as it is – please.

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